Starlight and Kisses

I envy her.
     She's happy without reason to be. She only sees beauty when she looks at things. She's oblivious to the evil in the world, how it can take everything from you, how one simple mistake can change your life forever. She's innocent. And I'd give anything to be innocent again.
     She's lying in the dampness of the clearing, her arms spread wide beside her, staring up at the sky. Her hair is splayed around her head, tangled in blades of grass. There's a curious look in her eyes, as if she's absorbing everything around her; the scent of drying rain, the crackling of leaves as night animals wander, the twinkling light of the stars. She's supposed to be trying to sleep, but her eyes are wide open, bright, as if it was the middle of the day.
     I'm supposed to be trying to sleep too, but I can't stop looking at her.
     I can't stop thinking how beautiful she is.
     Smiling to myself, wondering what the heck she's doing to my head, I sit down on the grass next to her. She blinks, looking at me, before breaking into a grin. I find myself grinning crookedly back. What's wrong with me?! I think, not understanding it. I don't go around daydreaming about some random girl. Not me. That's not right.
     Right?
     She's still grinning. I smile shyly at her. "Kora," I say, my voice oddly soft. "You're supposed to be going to sleep."
     "But I'm not tired!" she insists, like a little child who wants to stay up past her bedtime. She pouts. "And you're not sleeping either."
     "I'm older than you."
     "By a year! That's not that long." She sits up, leaning back on her hands, not looking at me anymore. Her eyes are focused up, at the stars, at the moon. She smiles dreamily. "Besides. The sky's too pretty for me to sleep."
     I look up, trying to see what she sees. I try, I really do. But I know I'll never see joy in simple things like that again. Sighing, I smile a little, tired, but not in the way she probably thinks. "Sure, Kora. It's really pretty."
     Her face glows for a moment. She breathes slowly out, looking wistful. "I wish I knew what was out there," she says, her voice husky with yearning.
     I stare at her, surprised. "You don't know?"
     She laughs quietly. "Why would I know? No one ever told me anything." She points to her side, grinning. "I only just found out that was called a tree last week."
     Chuckling, I mutter, "I suppose you're right." I look up at the sky with her for a moment. "That's the moon," I say, pointing. "And those are stars. There are planets too, except we can't see them from here."
     She frowns, looking puzzled. "Why's there only one moon and so many stars? Won't it get lonely?"
     I laugh louder, shaking my head. "No, Kora. No. It's just a thing. It doesn't have feelings or anything."
     "I think everything has feelings," she declares, as if it's the most important discovery in the world. "Like trees. If I was a tree, I wouldn't like people chopping me down and making me into weird... white... stuff."
     I snort. "You mean paper."
     "That's it!"
     I shake my head, trying not to laugh anymore. "Even if the moon does have feelings, I doubt it's lonely. It's a big rock, and the stars are big rocks. What more could it want?"
     Her forehead creases. "They don't look like rocks. They look sparkly."
     "They only look like that 'cause we're seeing them from Earth. It's proved by science. They're rocks." She still looks indignant, but seems to give up trying to prove her point. I smile at her. "They do look pretty though," I say, relenting. If it makes her happy.
     I blink.
     Why do I care about making someone else happy?
     It's not like anyone's ever tried to do the same for me.
     "I told you! They are pretty," she says, all positive.
     What about Kora? I ask myself.
     She's only nice to me by accident. She doesn't know what nice is.
     I flop back into the grass, sighing heavily. I close my eyes for a moment, just listening to the sounds around me. The grass rustles beside me as Kora lies down too, but I still don't look. It's almost peaceful like this. It's almost like I can forget about what I've done. It's almost like I can forget that I'm a monster.
     I feel tears filling up behind my closed eyelids but I don't let them out.
     I just lie there in silence, listening to Kora's relaxed breathing next to me, feeling how close she is, longing to just reach out and touch her and kiss her and tell her I—
     But I don't.
     I can't.
     "Lucas?" I hear after a while. Her voice is quiet, careful. "Are you asleep?"
     I open my eyes and laugh, choking on it as the tears start. "No," I say, my voice cracking.
     Kora sits up, looking down at me, her eyes wide, her eyebrows sloping down. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
     I shake my head, the laughing dying away, leaving me with an empty feeling deep inside my chest. I wipe my eyes. "It's nothing, Kora. I'm fine."
     "But you're crying!" she points out. "I thought that meant you were sad." She doesn't understand. Of course she doesn't understand. No one ever told her that "I'm fine" is code for "I don't want to talk about it".
     "It does, Kora, it does."
     "So you were lying?"
     "I guess."
     She frowns. "But why?"
     I shrug. "It's just what people say when they want someone to leave them alone."
     There's an awkward silence, a painful silence.
     "Oh." She looks away from me, fiddling with the edges of her top. Her eyes start shining like she's going to be the one crying in a minute. My heart sinks.
     "I didn't mean it like that..."
     "You're just lying again!" she says, her voice rising into hysterics. "I suppose... I'll just go then! If that's what you really want." She starts to get up, shaking, her delicate hands clenching into fists.
     "Wait!"
     I reach out and grab hold of her arm. She stops, yelping a little. Flinching, I loosen my grip, not wanting to see that I've made the skin underneath bright red. We stand there like that for a while, my breathing low and heavy, hers quick and scared. I wonder if I've finally screwed it up. If she'll finally realise what a monster I am and give up on me.
     "I'm sorry, Kora," I whisper, sliding my hand away. "It's just something people say, that's all."
     She sniffs, rubbing her arm with her other hand. "You said you wanted me to leave you alone."
     "I didn't mean it."
     I pause.
     "I want you, Kora," I mumble. "I need you."
     She turns her head to look at me, blinking. "What... what do you mean?"
     I stare at her, my heartbeat quickening. I step closer to her and take her hand, holding it up close to my mouth, breathing on her skin.
     I smile at her.
     "I mean this."
     I take her other hand.
     And kiss her.
     She does nothing for a moment, just standing there, her lips totally still as mine move around the contours of her mouth. I think that maybe I should stop, maybe I shouldn't do this to her, but I can't. Not now. I wasn't lying when I said I wanted her. I wouldn't be lying if I said I wasn't ready to give her up. Not now. Not now I'm so close.
     But then slowly, cautiously, she starts kissing back.
     Her lips move weirdly, like she doesn't know what she's doing, but I don't care. Because doesn't this mean she accepts me? Doesn't this mean she wants me too?
     Reality hits me like a slap in the face.
     She doesn't know what she's doing. She doesn't know what this is.
     She doesn't know anything.

     I pull away, tears blurring up my eyes, fake stars twinkling in the corners. I wait for her to speak, wait for her to start hating me, wait for her to reject me like everyone else did.
     She doesn't.
     "That was nice," she says, breathing lightly. "What was that?"
     My face grows hot. I blush. "It's called a kiss, Kora."
     "Oh!" She tilts her head. "What... what do kisses do?"
     I look down for a moment, before looking back into her eyes. A tear trickles down my cheek.
     I smile.
     "It's just something you do to let someone know you love them."